I again made second place on the next round of my speech contest....at least I beat the guy that beat me last time...Now I'm going for the next level.  It's also an opportunity for me to get together with my wonderful man.  It sucks because he lives in England so the times we get together are few (about 8 times in the last year), but that probably makes it harder for me to get caught...

I was thinking about that whole get caught thing.  Sometimes I think maybe I should just tell my man here.  He's quite intelligent, and of an open mind.  And it probably would do us some good.  Then another part of me thinks he wouldn't.  And just to keep my fucking mouth shut.  I'm never leaving him.  And to tell him would only hurt him.  Why would I hurt him for someone I have no plans on being with? 

I know you're thinking he couldn't have that much of an open mind....but you don't know our history.  That, actually is how we got together.  I was going to be a second wife....he just thinks differently than other people do.  Part of the reason I'm so attracted to him.  I just can't succumb to the theory that it's one man one woman and that's all there is to relationships.  It doesn't work for me.  No one else seems to understand it because it doesn't fit what they think is "right".  And I guess I can't make it fit because that's how I was brought up too. Weird.

Anyhew....

I've got a busy couple of weeks...I've got to get ready for a huge party on May 9th.  I'm going to see The Police on May 3.  I have the next level of my speech contest on April 25.  I have a play to go to this weekend...

I'm just too popular....

Yeah, well, I didn't win, but I did make second place.  And since the top two go to the next round, I'm polishing up my speech to get it just right.

I can't seem to sleep tonite.  I tried watching Stargate, the original movie, but it just wasn't doing it for me.  I got to thinking about life in general.  I really have it pretty good.  So why can't I sleep?

My mind wanders to my two guys, my great daughter, my terrific job....my own house, paid off, my own car, also paid off.  So why can't I sleep?

Do I feel guilt?  nope.  Sadness?  Nah.  I have no negative emotions.  So why can't I sleep?

I don't feel like I'm missing out on life, or that I'm empty, or feel like I never accomplished anything.  So wh can't I sleep?

Maybe my life is too perfect.  Well, there is that over weight thing...
I (just like just about everyone else) had a shitty childhood,  and teen years, and early adult life.  So maybe I'm still holding on to the thought that there must be something wrong.

And there isn't.

so, maybe that's why I can't sleep.....

Current Mood: awake

I've just got done writing a speech.  I happen to be a member of Toastmasters.  Toastmasters is a group that likes to promote public speaking.  No, it's not a cult, though I've met some members that act cultish...

Anyhow, I have a contest on Saturday, and I'm doing a speech.  I think it's good.  I'll let you know if I win or not....

Current Mood: accomplished

The creator of D and D died... 


Weird.  Made me think of when I was in high school.  I never fit in, really.  But I did with my D & D group.  We didn't judge each other, and our lameness.  We just took our frustrations out in spells and pounding mythical creatures to a pulp.

I was the only girl, and it felt great because they treated me like one of the guys.  And I don't know about you, but guys seem to be so much better than girls at getting over petty shit.  I'm not saying they can't harbor crap like we do, but they just get over it faster.  We were equals in that group (well, except for those with low XP's) but they didn't see me as a threat or someone to try and get one over on.  We were all lame in our own ways, and we were at peace playing.

Funny how different events make you ponder life...

Current Location: getting ready for bed
Current Mood: recumbent

I'm trying to be just friends.  That is quite difficult.  The one major area that my daughter's father lacks is affection.  And it is something that I crave so very much.  The boyfriend showers me with it.  He sends me cards, flowers, tells me such lovely things on the phone and by email.  And those things that I crave so much are no longer there with the advent of our being "just friends".  He says he will be my friend because he doesn't want to lose me, and that if that's the only way he can be with me then so be it.



Once again, I've made life more complicated than I needed to....



I guess I should get back to cleaning my house.  You know, after working a 40plus hour week the last fucking thing I want to do is clean my house.    Does it really matter in the long run anyway?  I suppose.  I clean daily to keep bugs away, but the deep cleaning seem to only get done sporadically.  I'd rather be on the computer and play Pogo all day....fuck. 

Ok.  Laundry calls.

Current Location: basement...to do laundry
Current Mood: annoyed

I told you we had a fight....he sent me this today...

                                                Have I ever told you
                                          that if I sit really still and silent,
                                                sometimes. I like to think
                                             I can hear your heart beating
                                                     in time with mine?

                                                   Have I ever told you
                                        that when I watch you speak to me
                                                 through lines and cords,
                                                    and bytes and ram,
                                                           I imagine
                                                           your voice,
                                                 whispering into my ear?

                                                   Have I ever told you
                                                that I wait out each day
                                                      in anticipation,
                                                           wanting
                                                   only an hour or two,
                                           just a second in space and time,
                                                   to feel close to you?

                                                   Have I ever told you
                                               that there has been times,
                                                   when I ached for you,
                                                  ached for you so badly,
                                          that the emotions overwhelmed me..
                                                   and so I sat and cried?

                                                  Have I ever told you
                                                     that sometimes,
                                                     I will reach out,
                                                  touching your name
                                             on this cold screen before me,
                                                          wishing
                                                     I could reach in
                                                   and pull you to me?

                                                  Have I ever told you
                                           that after the first time I heard
                                                the sound of your voice,
                                               thousands of miles away,
                                                      I sat up all night,
                                       turning the conversation over and over
                                                         in my mind,
                                                        examining it,
                                  like some newly discovered species of flower?

                                                  Have I ever told you
                                          that I would give everything up,
                                                   just for one night
                                              to be able to lay near you,
                                           to feel your chest rise and fall
                                              with each breath you take,
                                             just to know that you are real?

                                                 Have I ever told you
                                              that I dream of you often,
                                             I dream of you reaching out
                                                 and touching my hand,
                                                 simply to let me know
                                                    that you are there,
                                                 and everything is okay?

                                                 Have I ever told you,
                                             have I still yet to tell you . . .
                                                    that I love you?


I'm thinking...he loves me.  How do you end something like that?  And you know, I feel the same way about him.  Love can be such an addiction.

Current Mood: loved

I got in a fight with my 'boyfriend'.  It's the most stupid thing in the whole world.  Well, maybe not the most.

He was supposed to come out here for a visit.  We pretty much had it planned out.  A couple of days later, he says that he can't because it's his wedding anniversary.  A major one.  At first I'm a little disappointed,  that's the nature of our relationship.  Then I'm a angry.  He has told me before that there is nothing there with his wife.  If there is nothing there, why is it so important to be there?

Then I get mad at myself because fucking duh...he isn't my husband....

I do realize that I'm in love with  him, and I shouldn't be angry with him.  But I am.  And I can't help it.  Now I just want to call the whole thing off because it is such a strain, taxing my emotions till they bleed like I've been stabbed in the chest.   It seemed different thinking that there was nothing there to his marriage.  Now I'm thinking different.  Now, it holds different meaning.  Why should it really?  I don't know.  But it does.

Weirdness ensues.


And for those of you getting weirded out by my adding you...don't.  It's random.  I'm just looking for other insights.  Others thoughts.  Or maybe just for someone to listen....

Current Mood: bitchy

Who am I?  Who are any of us, really...

I'm just an average woman.  I have a child.  I have a husband.  I have a boyfriend.  Sort of.  He lives rather far away, so we only get to see each other every now and then............

I'm finding my life is just one lie after another.  I want to tell someone the truth.  How about here?  Where I can be anonymous. 
My husband, is great.  We were actually married in secret, so no one knows that we're married.  Not even our daughter.  We don't live together, and we both like it that way.  We seem to get along better.  We knew we would always be together, and we wanted to protect our assets, so we married.  I can't imagine being with anyone else in this manner.

He's wonderful and a wonderful provider.

He only falls short in a couple of areas.

In the areas that he falls short, Troy makes up for. Troy is married as well.  We have a joke, we ARE married, just not to each other.....I've let him know that I will NEVER leave Eddie.  Our child is so happy with the way things are.  I will not shake up her life for a great piece of ass.  Although...Troy is a little more than that.  He says he loves me.  I think I love him too. I love them both.


Well, maybe I'm not so average after all....House must be right.  Everybody lies.
I don't mean to lie.  It's just that I don't want to hurt anyone.  Do you lie?  You can't tell me you don't.  I just can't believe you don't.

Tell me your secrets....

Current Mood: enthralled